The Hard Edge of Hostility
By Kate Kerry Spencer
Every kid has met the class bully. Whether that kid is the target of the bullying, or on the perimeter as a bystander, or champions the underdog, or becomes the bully’s willing or frightened accomplice, every kid feels the sting of the meanest kid.
The meanest kid often experiences harsh treatment or other stressful circumstances at home and learns to adapt by being the biggest bad ass outside of that home. These are the boys who beat other boys up, most often with their fists, and these are the girls who beat other girls up, most often with their words.
There’s a temporary win that mean kids get from gaining power over others, a sense of safety and control over their environment. There is also a significant, often permanent loss that mean kids who never grow up experience: a hole in their heart and a fistful of hostages. Some young bullies find a way past their past and grow into wiser, kinder people. Others just repeat the past over and over again.
Time passes. All these kids grow up and most of them become part of the workforce. It’s a bigger playground now with different rules. Bullying goes mostly underground, puts on a suit, mimics ambition with limitless drive, and sharpens its teeth in private.
In public, the bully in the workplace may seem to have it mostly all together, as long as they always get what they want, or at least keep up the appearance of getting it. But every so often the fabric of the suit frays, the smile cracks and the bully shows its true colors.
No longer the meanest kid, the bully is now the hollowest adult. If they are lucky, someone will come along in their life who makes them want to be better than they currently are. Much better. And that’s when the bully will either begin to change or find another person who validates the darker side of them. Ultimately, the only person anyone can change is themselves. And that, for all of us, is the work of a lifetime.
There are people who build bridges and people who build walls. There are people who lead with an open mind and there are people who lead with an iron fist. There are as many degrees and variations of both of these types of people as there are people in the world. Decide who you are and be true to the very best in you. Never let a bully change you into being anything but who and what you are on your best, most loving and capable day.
Meditation
This morning, before the day takes on a life of its own, sit quietly with yourself. Put your hand on your heart and breathe gently and naturally. With each breath in, say silently to yourself, “I am strong and brave.” With each exhale, say silently to yourself, “I am wise and well.”
If you get distracted, simply return to your breath and your affirmations for the day. If you find yourself getting distracted or anxious about the day ahead, simply reset your attention to the moment, the breath and your hand on your heart.
Tonight, find a quiet place to sit and put your hand on your heart. With each breath in, say silently to yourself, “I am safe.” With each breath out, say silently to yourself, “I am free.”
Spend some time simply doing this gentle breathing and let yourself fully relax into the truth of being both safe and free in this world. No matter your circumstances, there is a safe haven within you, a place that never leaves you, a place that is home.
Rest in this knowledge and know you can be home to yourself wherever you are. Trust that in all circumstances you have the wisdom and the strength to find your way through or find your way out of anything or anyone that keeps you from being who you truly are at your very best.
ABOUT KATE
Kate Kerry Spencer is a Pacific Northwest writer, editor, and publisher. Learn more about her upcoming memoir, Smoke: A Story of Love, Lies and Cigarettes.
Smoke is the story of fatal consolations--tobacco, denial and deceit--and the second chances that can come to us in the most unlikely places. For this mother and daughter it was a rehab center where the two women wrestled with cigarettes, scrambled brains and each other--and in the process, found the long way back to love.